Body Electric: Tribute to Self

The Kishore Kumar in me beats my Manna Dey hollow on most days. I am the King of the Hill, even when I am the only one in the tournament. More often than not, that is how it is. I am contented and productive by myself. I am yet to know what boredom is, and given the years I have clocked, it seems more and more unlikely I will ever find out. I am a perfectionist and a control freak, and would rather do something myself than risk having to tell someone that it could have been done better. I over-aspire and challenge my limitations as a habit. Sometimes, it tells on the nerves. Why do I do it then? Because that is who and how I am now. Because who and how I am pleases me now.

(c) Sandeep Ingilela of http://singilela.blogspot.in

YOLO. So much to do and so little time. I choose what I will fill my unforgiving minute with, and I am never at a loss. I would rather die trying than never at all. Have I always been this way? Nope. I have had my periods of living cautiously, sticking to the middle of the road, and licking at my regrets. Have I got it figured out? Maybe not. The phenomenal sum of all my mistakes - that's me.


Maybe I was born this way. As a kid, I had a workaround and a ready explanation for everything. I grew ants, earthworms, and whole flowerbeds full of glowing mustard much to our gardener's discomfort. I would lose buckles (those little hook-like things that kept my trousers up) on my school uniform almost every day, and my mother tired of getting new ones and sewing them on. I tried growing buckles along with the mustard, but the darned things wouldn't germinate. So I switched to a stapler. I figured out early that time lost in complaints and regrets pales in the face of working diligently towards ambition and dreams. I poked my nose into everything. I kept my eyes and ears open, and when people couldn't find things they had hidden so that I wouldn't get to them, I helped find them in a jiffy, since I always knew where they were. I preferred to tune in to the mysteries of the universe, rather then revel just in what my world thought was pertinent. I knew that somewhere in the magic of the night sky, in the silence of the mountains, in the vibrancy of the winter mornings, lay the answers to the million questions that plagued me so.

Sure, I lost my way more than once, ending up bruised and let down. Even when it seemed like I had found the way, the comfort of the familiar taunted me so much that I again sought out the path less trodden, only to lose my way again. I am blessed in having been taught to honor my lessons. Am I proud of those years when I challenged the boundaries of reason and compassion? Not particularly, but to be ashamed of them or to regret would dilute their importance. They made me strong enough to embark on my present journey, and I can only express my thankfulness to all who helped me learn those lessons.

Are there things I truly regret? Yes, there are. Am I truly contented? No way! I feel like a kid who has been told about a magic candy store, taken up to it, and then been kept waiting at the door. Am I truly on the right way? Who can know till one gets where one is headed? Am I truly the King of my Hill? The mystic complexity of cause and consequence blunted my arrogance long back, and I am glad for it.

There are days when I wake up and all seems perfect with my world, and there are days when, well, and there are days. I still do things that my heart and sometimes other body parts do not agree with. If I had the chance to live my life over, would I chose to do things differently, leave out the unpleasant bits, ease up on the hurt that I caused others or the hurt I experienced? I think not, but I would go through every bumpy patch with greater panache and gladness, since I know now that at the end of the road, I invariably get to where I need most to get. I would do it all exactly the same, and bring greater joy to my world in the process, rather than make changes and not be sure of where I would reach.

My Dad, who taught me that God lay in how I looked at another person, would tell me the story of Madhusudan-dada as he carried me on his shoulder on long walks. The story can wait for another time, but the crux of it is that the universe conspires to delude those who wish to remain deluded and enlightens those who choose to pursue penetrating insight. I spent many years not understanding the story but it still resonated with me. Maybe I am yet to understand the story in its fullest sense. Yet, it is the one story that I pass on with my life.

I am glad for all that has brought me to where I stand today. As for my tomorrows, I am ready and determined not to be found wanting. My to-do list is jam-packed and endless and yet, it contains just what I know now I want to do. Each day brings newer vistas to explore. This work in progress is bent on becoming all that he was meant to be, and he still has a long way to go. And I know I will. Yet I also know that the ultimate reality lies in this moment, in the magic that is happening as I am writing this and you reading it. Like the click of a mouse, the batting of an eyelid, the creaking of the chair, it is here and then it is gone.

(c) Sandeep Ingilela of http://singilela.blogspot.in

So I am sipping at my tea and smiling, waiting to realize what it is that is making me smile, even as what is making me smile creeps up on me. In this magical mystery moment, I am me. By choice yet by grace. By intent and by the way too.

Sometimes you read a line, and no matter how hard you try, you can never dream of writing such a line yourself though you desperately wish you could. No matter how urgently you invoke your muse to grant you that special line, she cannot. That uniqueness is the essence of the magic that is me, the magic that is you. And for the record, my life really is an open book written in Braille, you just need to keep your eyes closed to get the feel of it. Wanna read?

*****

This post is a writing exercise undertaken as a tribute to one of the finest writers in the blogging world. You know who you are and I thank you for filling my life with hope and determination.